Getting Ready to Tell Someone How You're Really Feeling
Telling someone you're not coping can feel like the hardest part, especially when you're meant to be glowing or grateful. A little preparation makes that first conversation easier. This is a gentle checklist for new and expecting parents in the UK: what tends to hold us back, who you can talk to, and how to find the words.
In short
- Telling someone you're not coping can feel like the hardest part. A little preparation makes that first conversation easier.
- Notice what's persistent, write down two or three things beforehand, and be honest, including about frightening or intrusive thoughts, which are common and which professionals have heard before.
- You can tell your midwife, health visitor or GP, or self-refer to NHS Talking Therapies with no GP needed. If it's urgent, call 999, NHS 111, or Samaritans on 116 123.
Naming it for yourself
- You don't need tidy words. "I just don't feel like myself" or "I cry most days and I don't know why" is plenty to start with.
- Notice what's persistent. Bad days are part of it, but low mood, anxiety or a flat numbness that hangs around for more than a couple of weeks is worth saying out loud.
- Write down two or three things before the appointment. It's easy to freeze and say "I'm fine" the moment someone finally asks.
- Be honest about frightening thoughts. Intrusive or scary thoughts are far more common than parents admit, and saying them out loud is how they start to lose their grip. Professionals have heard them before.
The fears that hold parents back
- "They'll think I'm a bad parent." The opposite is true. Reaching out is what looking after your family under strain actually looks like.
- "They'll take my baby away." This is the big one, and it stops a lot of parents speaking up. The purpose of these services is to help you stay well and care for your baby, not to separate you.
- "Everyone feels like this." Some of it is normal exhaustion. You don't have to work out where the line is on your own. That's exactly what these conversations are for.
- "I'll be wasting their time." You won't. Around one in five parents go through this, and they would far rather hear it early.
Who you can tell
- Your midwife, during pregnancy and the early weeks.
- Your health visitor. They're there for your wellbeing, not only the baby's.
- Your GP, including at your own postnatal check around six to eight weeks.
- You can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies (in England), with no GP needed, and expecting and new parents are prioritised.
Finding the words
- Lead with how you feel, not with what you think you're supposed to say.
- Bring someone if it helps. A partner, friend or family member can say the part you can't.
- Mention specifics: your sleep, appetite, the thoughts you're having, how you feel towards the baby. Concrete examples help them help you.
- It's completely okay to hand over a note if saying it aloud feels impossible.
If you're offered counselling or therapy
- Ask what they're registered with. In the UK, look for BACP, BABCP or HCPC registration.
- Ask whether they have experience with the perinatal period. It's a specific time, and it helps if they know it.
- Ask about format and cost. NHS Talking Therapies is free; private UK sessions are typically £40 to £100, and some therapists offer reduced rates.
- Fit matters more than perseverance. If it isn't working after a genuine try, changing therapist isn't failure.
For urgent moments
- A companion or a therapist isn't a crisis service. If you need urgent support, call your GP, NHS 111 and choose the mental health option, or Samaritans on 116 123. PANDAS also runs a free helpline on 0808 1961 776. In immediate danger, call 999.
A small tip: rehearse before the conversation
The first time you say it out loud is often the hardest. Lots of parents freeze, forget what they meant to say, or default to "I'm fine" when someone finally asks. Talking it through with someone beforehand can make a real difference.
Our companion Nia is a free, private place to do exactly that. She isn't therapy, but she can help you find the words for what you'd like to bring to your midwife, GP or health visitor, so you go in clearer and feel less alone with it.
A note on what to expect
Saying how you feel doesn't fix everything at once, and you might not walk out feeling lighter straight away. But you'll have done the hardest part. From there, the people around you can actually start to help, and that's usually where things slowly begin to turn.
Not sure where to start?
Answer a few gentle questions and we'll point you to the right support for how you're feeling.
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